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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Good Times at Pottersville #24

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Thursday, October 16, 2014

Give Old White Pervs Like Me a Break

By Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq.
     I was just saying to my butt boy the other day as I was gently trying a new cigar cutter on his pinkie that 60 year-old white guys like me have it too rough. The liberals are screaming that we make too much money, don't pay enough taxes, that we victimize the weak and poor, never face criminal justice, "Affluenza", wah, wah.
     Then John Grisham descends from the heavens like a naked Martin Mull on a clam shell and helps set things right.
     In a limey newspaper, Grisham inveighed against 60 year-old white men like us getting sent to prison for downloading kiddie porn after knocking back a few too many single malt scotches. Now, liberal muck-rakers like the perennially jobless loser who's the, er, "proprietor" of this left wing sewer of a blog may read too much into that. JP would say something like, "What about black or Latino kiddie porn surfers?" or "I'm assuming this is Grisham's tacit admission that only old, white pervs do this."
     But Grisham is spot-on. Surfing through kiddie porn sites is a victimless crime simply because we look but don't touch. Why, I'm sure the under-aged runaways who frequently pose for their legions of white, late middle-aged male fans get compensated very well for their work. And once you get up to 13-15 years of age, these wily young entrepreneurs and artisans fully know what they're doing and are every bit as much the hard-nosed negotiators as their Wall Street counterparts. Trust me, they don't all live under bridges in Seattle and dumpster dive at McDonald's as Rush says.
     What Grisham was kind enough not to say, and what I will admit here, is that the 60 year-old white guy to whom Grisham was referring, his friend who went away for 10 years for downloading kiddie porn, was actually my kid brother Cecil. Cecil was at the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street one night in 2004 and had one or two too many Glenlivets. Actually, he rarely goes to the Stonewall but he loves the fact it's on Christopher Street and the very name conjures up images for him of a short-pantsed Christopher Robin of the Winnie the Pooh books, with whom he'd always had an unhealthy fascination.
     Anyway, he finally pours himself into a cab, goes back to his loft in the Village, and essentially butt-dials a porno site on his cell phone, only with his fingers. Anyway, without knowing it, Cecil finds himself in a chat room in which other like-minded men are sharing pictures of these young beauties who never seem to smile or look happy. Eventually, he found himself in a drunken dialogue with another middle-aged white man whose handle was "EIB69", someone who said he was in the radio business. Before Cecil knew it, he woke up naked in the middle of his living room, his laptop's monitor covered with dried semen and his hand on his sated but withered phallus.
     Well, Holy Goebbels, before he knew it, the FBI knocks on his door before breaking it down, finding my poor kid brother in his state of dishabille. On the monitor was a picture of a nude young gentleman who looked suspiciously like Justin Bieber and after scanning the contents of his hard drive, charged him with downloading kiddie porn.
     So, if Grisham was referencing my kid brother, he wasn't actually telling the whole story. Cecil got sent to Riker's Island for just three months while our late father Ambrose worked his magic and blackmailed a judge who was also an aficionado of the same website. Oddly enough, Cecil was extremely reluctant to leave Riker's mumbling something about a life-altering experience in the prison shower. Anyway, bottom line: Cecil got sprung and there his internet-surfing activities were put to an end. As part of a special plea deal, the prosecution compromised by ordering an electronic cock ring to be put around Cecil's member so that any tumescence could be measured in real time so the cause could be investigated.
     Or it could be Mr. Grisham was directly referencing "EIB69", who's still in the radio business and works from home in Florida. Although, if this EIB69 is who I think it is, he never spent a single day in jail even after he was caught coming back from Hispaniola years ago with some doctor's Viagra on his carryon.
     Then again, Mr. Grisham could making up the whole anecdote and that perhaps he doesn't actually move in those seamy circles. That's what writers call "poetic license."
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Monday, October 13, 2014

Good Times at Pottersville, Columbus Day edition
(A Brilliant at Breakfast exclusive)

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Thursday, October 09, 2014

Good Times at Pottersville, 10/9/14
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Monday, October 06, 2014

Good Times at Pottersville, 10/6/14

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Friday, September 19, 2014

Uh, Yeah. We Got Nothing.
 
      The midterms in this day and age are, as the Republican Party capably proves every other year, a mere dress rehearsal for the real lunacy to come in the general elections. Every election cycle, we see the GOP trying to rebrand itself as something that it is not because the cynical Republican bean counters have some reptilian glimmer of recognition that this is what a large section of the electorate wants.
     So we hear the same ridiculous denunciations that there's a War on Women or a War on Teh Gays or on Brown People. We see the same tired, half-hearted minority outreach programs such as the one at the last clown convention at the Gaylord Hotel (aka CPAC). But a man missing an eye with an inch-thick cataract in the other can see this is the Red Riding Hood Syndrome.
     The crimson red Republican Party tries to fool the red state voters into thinking they're not the wolf but just kind old Granny who's actually moldering in the woodshed out back, with lupine bites taken out of her withered corpse. Sure, just hand over that basket filled with campaign contributions and ballots and try not to pay attention to the fact that my eyes and teeth are bigger than usual. See, I'm wearing my granny bonnet.
     Except, unlike little Red Riding Hood, these poor hapless, dumb bastards never catch on despite the fact the wolf keeps revealing its true nature time and again. To use a more modern analogy, they're like Bart Simpson who keeps getting shocked by his sister Lisa's psychology experiment because that electrified cupcake is soooo seductive.
     And like the scorpion and the frog, the GOP just can't help themselves any more than any of us can change our genetic code. And the apologies, denunciations, counter charges of partisan bias, excuses, et al sound so alike they're predictable.
     But still, the pathetic attempts at rebranding, the donning of granny's bonnet, continue while they forlornly look back on the last election and wonder where they went wrong. You don't have to be Nate Silver to know the only reason the GOP held on to the House in 2012 was because of their merciless, ridiculous gerrymandering. They lost seats in both chambers in the last General Election in which the President carried all but one battleground state. Trickery that's being disallowed in one court after another is the only reason, and I mean the only reason the GOP still holds the House.
     And now we're hearing pollsters saying that the Republicans have a great chance at not only retaining the House but also taking the Senate. These would be the same folks who told us until Election Night 2012 that Obama and Romney were running neck and neck and the same folks who told us on Election Night 2008 that Senator McCain had the edge over Senator Obama.
     The American people, by and large, are simply the stupidest, most willfully ignorant and intellectually laziest vermin that ever slithered across the face of the earth. But like the dog repeatedly fed cauliflower instead of the piece of meat tantalizingly quivered over its nose, eventually even the sheep who vote Republican are going to dimly realize that voting Republican every two, four and six years hasn't really done shit for them, that blaming liberals for everything going wrong in their lives doesn't really wash since they don't have any liberal elected officials. Eventually, they're just going to walk away from the cupcake.
     And knowing they got nothing, they keep trotting out the same old losers. Now they're trying to get Romney to run for a third time since it's guaranteed the black guy won't kick his ass again. Despite an alarmingly consistent track record of simply not catching on with the voters, we hear every four years the same old names: Romney, Santorum, Palin. Can Pawlenty and Newt be far behind?
     And the GOP establishment knows they can't do better than them and they keep gnoshing on those tired, flaccid Republican penises like an 80 year-old toothless Albanian woman gamely working on a giant marshmallow. If it wasn't for this manufactured hatred of liberals and Democrats, not a single Republican would be on Capitol Hill and they know it. People don't vote for Republicans as much as they vote against liberals and Democrats.
     A recent survey states that there are 20,000,000 or more registered Democratic voters than there are Republicans. Add to the mix the Independent voters who haven't completely lost their fucking minds and that just pumps up the wattage with which we can fry the GOP for good this election cycle. Because you can count on these psychopaths to alienate the few women, gays and minorities they have in their ranks with the occasional Twitter or Facebook post or campaign speech or TV or radio interview.
     And the bottom line is they want to drag us back to not even the 19th century but the 18th, back to when nobody but rich white men had the vote and slavery was considered necessary and children worked in sweat shops and stuffed in peoples' chimneys. But one thing they forget as they try to drag us back into the 18th century:
     The 18th century was also the age of revolution and the guillotine. And, however complacent and lazy a people may get, eventually they will wake up and realize the status quo simply isn't working for them.
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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Good Times at Pottersville, 9/13/14
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